So, About Toon...

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ForTheLuvOfApplejack's avatar
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I...wasn't originally going to do this. Mostly for the fact that I've been worrying about upsetting someone I dearly love for no reason. I thought "They already hate him enough, and he's gone now. If I say something now, it'll just anger them for nothing." This has been eating at me too much, though, and if I keep going like this, I know the guilt is gonna tear me apart eventually. So...here's a confession to you all, and to my loved one who I hope to God won't view me as a traitor for this. If you're reading, just know I love and trust you with my very life. I've only been so afraid to come forward because I saw no need to tell you information about this that would make you unnecessarily angry long after the matter was over. It's not fair to you to keep silent anymore, though. You deserve the truth as much as anyone else.

If anyone's wondering what I'm on about, recently, Zak Kayes/ToonKriticY2K, a very recognizable face in the brony fandom, has been revealed to be a sexual predator, even going so far as to get intimate via private Skype conversations with an, at the time it started, 14-year-old girl for about a year. That particular bit of news was what kicked all of this off, but we know now that the young girl wasn't the only victim. Since this knowledge was leaked, more and more victims of Zak's have come forward, and while I've had my own experiences with him, I never felt like I had the right to call myself a victim in any of this. I realized, though, that all of the interactions with him I've been hearing about sound dangerously similar to my own. I'll recount everything I remember, and you guys can decide whether or not I have any right to call myself a victim in any of this. To this day, it still doesn't fully feel like it, but I could easily be wrong.

In the summer of 2016, I was still living in Philadelphia, PA, and it was the first year that my hometown was going to have their own pony convention, FillyCon. My mom and I went to volunteer there, and as we were hanging out in the registry line, I find not only ToonKriticY2K himself, but also MangaKamen, Voice of Reason, and Sega Sister. I'd been a fan of at least Toon and Voice for a long time, and meeting them in person for the first time, completely unprepared to see them until the next day, made me almost faint right then and there. From that moment, I took any opportunity to spend time with them that I could. I was even in Toon's FillyCon vlog during the second day of the convention. I felt so much more confident those two days than I'd felt in the past 22 years I'd had until then, and I still consider it to be one of the best experiences I've ever had. That Saturday night, though, after I was already home from the con, I get a Twitter message from Toon. He called me "cutie" in the first message, proceeded to ask me if I was staying at the same hotel he was, and asked if I was interested in him. At the time, I had something of a crush on him, but I told him I knew he had a boyfriend and was going to respect that. His next question, though, was if I'd be willing to come to the hotel early to see him. I didn't catch on at the time to what he really wanted, but either way, I was unable to when he was asking for me. Once the con was over, I tried to establish semi-regular contact with him, but he didn't respond much and, eventually, kinda stopped altogether. I had an emotional breakdown over that, and originally, I expected that to be the end of it with us. I was wrong, though, and now, with everything else that's come to light, I really wish I hadn't been so happy to be wrong.

For a long time, he and I only spoke to each other rarely. He'd have me on for streams at times and even invited me to be on the Roundtable is Magic podcast, but usually, I'd send him greetings in PMs, only to get either short responses or none at all. Eventually, though, that changed. He came to me and told me that he'd been "talking" to my boyfriend more often, and because he'd been attracted to me since meeting me at 2016 FillyCon, he wanted to "talk" with me more often, too. My boyfriend and I have always been (more or less) polyamorous, so none of this bothered me at the time. I thought "I already ERP pretty often. This won't be any different." It never felt quite right when it was with Toon, though. I was always mildly uncomfortable, but I couldn't think of a valid reason as to why. I kept letting the weird feelings run their course and write them off as me being paranoid, especially when I realized how close I was to getting added to the Domain. That's not for the reasons you might think, though. See, by this time, my boyfriend was already a member of the group, and for at least a couple of weeks, I hardly got to talk to him because he spent all of his time in calls there. In the end, it was that knowledge that made me continue roleplaying with Zak. I wanted my boyfriend back, and clearly, I was willing to do what I thought I had to so I could be with him again.

I don't think I can continue without mentioning my nightmare, as I had it right before being invited to the Domain. It was only one, but it carried a powerful message I should have paid closer attention to. In my dream, me, my boyfriend, and many people in the bronalysis community (the ones I remember most clearly being members of the Domain) were in a school together, and hiding somewhere in the building, commanding us all over loudspeakers to do whatever it was he wanted, was Toon himself. Despite my usually timid nature, in this dream, I was apparently very rebellious, and as I walked through the halls of this school by myself, I spoke to him in a way I knew would piss him off, and he'd respond to me through the loudspeakers in a dismissive yet playful tone, as if my anger over how he treated us all wasn't serious at all. And by the time I got to class, on the chalkboard was an announcement that a "special girl" needed to stay after school and see him, and that people who wanted to spend time with said girl had to spend upwards of $20,000 just to see her. I knew with absolute certainty that these messages were about me, and the idea of him assuming ownership of me made my skin crawl. Regardless, I didn't heed the warning of even my own nightmares. I wanted to believe it was just my mind being paranoid, that someone who had instilled such confidence in me would never do something so heinous and disgusting to another human being. I spent my whole time with him wanting to give him the benefit of the doubt and believe he was a good person. Sadly, up until now, I was actually starting to believe it.

Now, one might think maybe I'd be able to stop once I was added in. I'd gotten what I wanted, after all. I was in the Domain, and I was with my love again. Zak still came onto me, though, wanting to ERP with me and, eventually, asking for a topless picture of me as well as a video of me in my bikini playing with my breasts. Alarms blared in my head not to go along with it anymore, but I still did, almost like my body was acting on its own accord. I didn't think too hard about why I kept giving him what he'd ask for despite feeling mildly grossed out every time and him just barely paying attention when I had things to say that didn't directly involve him. But now, I'm realizing it comes right back to my boyfriend again. He'd tell me all the time how much happier he'd been since being added to the Domain. He had a group of people that actually seemed to respect him and listen to what he had to say. Before this, I was the only one who really listened to him, and I wanted him to keep his new friends no matter the cost. My love's happiness has always come first for me, so naturally, it wasn't a question of if I was going to do what I thought was necessary for him to be happy. He had a home in the Domain, somewhere that he felt more comfortable and respected than he ever did anywhere else, even in his own home. If I had to sacrifice my dignity so I didn't run the risk of keeping myself and him in the place where he'd finally started to feel happy again, I was more than willing to do just that. I shouldn't have been, but I was.

And now, I'm here seeing all of these people come forward about their own experiences, including his underage victim. I feel for every single one of them, but even now, I question whether or not I qualify as a victim. I didn't argue when he'd ask me for something, I chose to give him the benefit of the doubt despite how many of my friends didn't like him, and even when my own nightmares painted him as a dictator of this fandom and wanting to claim ownership of me, I wrote it off as "just a dream" and wanted to believe it meant nothing. I should have known better, though. When my dreams do have messages, they never tell me lies. I didn't use the word "prophetic" as part of my name for nothing. I just hope to God I never come across a situation like this and ignore my intuition ever again. And to any of his victims that took the time to read all of this... I'm so sorry for any pain you've suffered. No one deserves to be hurt and manipulated like this. And despite myself, there's a place in my heart holding onto the desire that Zak will get help. He's proven to all of us that he very clearly needs it.

Also, if the person I addressed in the beginning of this journal is reading...you might see why and how I thought of myself as a traitor for all of this. I'd been in regular contact with Zak well before you and I started to get close to each other, but it continued up until the day before he disappeared from Skype. I was too scared and embarrassed with myself to mention it to anyone except my boyfriend who already knew about it (he sent pictures of me to Zak and is the reason he started talking to me more in the first place), and once his downfall started, I wanted to bring it up, but when you told me you'd kill him if he ever tried with me, I got worried. I couldn't be too sure if you had legitimate intent to harm him, and even if you didn't, making you angry over this when he's already gone off the face of the earth seem pointless. The guilt was starting to mess with me really bad, though, as you might have noticed from how depressed I've been getting every so often. I knew it wasn't going to be long before I had to let it out. I just hope that you can forgive me for not saying something sooner.
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Benicthedragonhog's avatar
Awww Prose. * hugs you tightly* I am really sorry that you had to go through all of that with Toon and how bad it may have done to you and Prime. I hope that this experience would help you two to grow more closer together than ever so as to not let something like that happen again.

And to be honest, I am in the same boat as you when it comes to hoping Toon will get actual help for what he is going through. but til he does and proofs that he will change, I just can't ever look at him the same way again. I looked up to him like a brother and since he had Autism or Aspergers that made me held hope and it ended up getting crushed finding what he did and knowing what his true colors are. It maybe taking harder on me cause of how I saw him, but I truly hope deeply that you and Prime get better from this. *sniffs* cause your my friend Prose and unlike Toon, I hold my friendships close to my heart.